earth2mars

I wish I could be eloquent here, but right now, I'm lost.

My father is dead.

On Monday, after spending three weeks in the hospital after chemo, we were told that the pain my father was feeling was due to the spread of cancer. She told us all we could do was make him comfortable. Tuesday we arranged for everything to be sent home so we could take care of him there. Wednesday we brought my dad home. Thursday at midnight he'd already become unresponsive. By 5 a.m. Friday, my dad was dead and we were devastated.

I'm so sad.
Such a small word: sad--but it's as large as the world right now inside me.

Early in September, M had a sleep study done. As we suspected, he has sleep apnea and will need to sleep with a mask every night. The mask keeps him breathing and monitors his air intake.



Wow, and he thought he had a hard time getting lucky in bed before ...

This last week has been especially crazy and I really felt E got lost in the shuffle. So yesterday, while M and I were out running errands, I suggested we treat her to the newest Barbie movie which came out Tuesday. She's been wanting to see it ever since she saw the trailer for it.

So follow me, please.

I suggest it.
I drive us there.
I give M the money to pay for the rental.
He gets out and rents it, and all night long all I hear is this:

"You're the BEST DADDY in the whole world! I LOVE this movie!"

Wait? What? Who's idea was this? All he did was take it off a shelf and pay for it (WITH MY MONEY) and he's the parent of the year?

In his defense, he kept telling her it was my idea but she was having no part of it. No, it was all "I love you, Daddy!"

Sheez. Some thanks, huh?

Today is picture day at E's school. Let's all pray that this is NOT the face she makes when the photographer asks for a smile. Please.

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Six months.
That's how long it has been since I posted.
It seems so strange to me... I knew it had been a while, but SIX months? Wow.

Initially, I was overwhelmed with weddings. E was asked to be the flower girl to M's cousin's wedding. Then we were hit with my nephew's wedding. He's the first of this latest generation to get married so it was crazy w/hoopla. Add to that, E was asked to be the flower girl to this, too, and somehow I was asked to be the unofficial stylist for all my sisters-in-law. It seemed as if all my time was spent buying gifts, attending showers and parties, photographing the events, attending fittings, and dressing all of us (and my in-laws, sometimes). The next thing I knew, spring was over.

In June, Aidan had these seizures and I was overwhelmed with worry that something very serious was wrong. After an MRI and EEG, we were told he was fine.

The happiness was short-lived, in early July my dad was diagnosed with Stage 3 lung cancer. The majority of my summer has been spent talking to doctors and surgeons, and waiting for good news while my father was operated on or tested. Unfortunately, after his surgery, the news was worse. The cancer had spread to a lymph node. Currently, he's going through chemo & radiation simultaneously.

I can't say I dealt with it well. I'm the oldest of my sisters and the one that doesn't work, and since English is not my father's first language, it was up to me to be the one to hear the news and often translate it. In my attempt to be the strong one, I think I came across as unfeeling.

Then, as if I didn't have enough to be depressed about, Aidan has been evaluated by state therapists and according to them, he's delayed when it comes to speech and play. Hopefully, it won't be a permanent delay and that with therapy he'll be like any other average little boy. I'm hoping that's true. You can only imagine how distraught I am imagining him struggling for the rest of his life or worse, lost in his own little closed off world. :(

Anyway. That's why I've stayed away. I've felt a little toxic, too poisonous, and honestly, who wants to read 100 entries about how awful/depressed I've felt?

I hope everyone is happy and well. Honestly.

Where the hell have I been, right? I'll get to that, but first--imagine my surpise when I clicked to read a blog of beloved/favorite scrapbooker/photographer and I find photos of this Veronica Mars alum (Sept 07 entry).

http://tarawhitney.com/justbeblogged/

Dude, my worlds collide...

I hope you've all been well.

Once again, I'm posting a birthday message early--but I must b/c lately I totally suck at getting anything done on time.

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY evie_0 (T!)!

You and your excellent VM stories brought me into the LJ world and I really want to thank you for that. I hope your birthday is the best and that you get all your heart desire's this year. :)

Happy, happy BIRTHDAY!

Okay, yes, it's a day early but with my luck, I wouldn't be able to get to my computer until after the actual day. So, flisters, join me in wishing our pal Alexis (a_h_c) a wonderful birthday.

Thanks for always making me laugh and for always knowing just what to say to make me feel better. :)

I hope this birthday is a fantastically happy start to a great year.

Happy Birthday!

Gakked from a_h_c :

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now consider yourself obligated (even if we don't speak often or ever) then you should post a comment with a completely made up, fictional memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - but it has to be fake.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph in your LJ saying who you snagged it from and see what your friends come up with.

So, it appears that Thursday night is my night to laugh and Friday is my night to cry.
I have The Office on Thursday and FNL & BSG on Fridays--so, yes, I'm crying all night long.

Here's why:
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but that was the best episode of The Office EVER. :)

So much to love...
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I was watching Friday's episode of FNL and Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer came to mind. I read something Joss Whedon supposedly had said--something about creating immediate drama when he needed it by putting Willow in danger. It instantly would draw the viewers' attention.
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Four years ago at this very moment I was calling my ob-gyn to tell her my water broke.

I remember the excitement and nervousness I felt as I made that call. I kept fear pretty much at bay by focusing on the anticipation I was feeling, instead.

I have to tell you, four years went by pretty quickly...and that? That, for me, is scarier than labor and delivery ever was.

Happy birthday, baby. Mommy loves you.

Yes, it looks like my dad and dresses like him, but I have never seen this guy.
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As a kid, I hated Battlestar Galactica. HATED it. The robots, the space travel, the fighting-- It held no appeal for me whatsoever, and I had relegated it to the list of "boy" shows I would not watch. It didn't last long on the air,and two years later would be resurrected again into a show I would not watch either. Little did I know then that nearly thirty years later, it would be reborn into one my absolutely favorite shows.

I was thinking about this as I finished Friday's episode: Which or our favorite shows is timeless enough to be revisited nearly 30 years later? The one that immediately came to mind was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Don't you think?

What else do you think might work? Can you envision a new Veronica Mars years down the line? Maybe this time, Logan will be a woman. Let's see how the old fans handle that. :)

Tonight, I was lying in bed checking my e-mail when M entered the bedroom carrying E in his arms. Dangling from his ears were a pair of fake pearl drop earrings E had received from Santa.

"I have to take these off," said M, rubbing his earlobes.

"Why?" E whined.

My response? "Because Daddy's not a pirate."

No other explanation needed, right? :)

Anyone out there watching The United States of Tara or The Secret Diary of a Call Girl? ( Read more... )

I creep out pretty easily so imagine my unease when at 1 a.m., everyone (but me, of course) is asleep and suddenly I hear one of the baby toy phones suddenly ringing.

It's one of the little LeapFrog phones that speaks once you press the buttons. Do you know how creepy it is to hear that little kiddie voice speaking from somewhere in the dark when NO one could possibly be pressing the buttons?! You KNOW what happens in the horror film, right? The mom walks into the kitchen and sees some ghastly/ghoulish dead baby apparition playing with the phone. Eeesh.

I figured it had been thrown into the playpen and was now under some other toy that was pressing down on it.

Uh-uh. It was all alone on the kitchen floor...absolutely quiet once I saw it...and saying "Bye Bye!" the minute I walked away from it!

No effin' way. I'm shuddering now just thinking about it.

Being the wuss I am, I took said phone and placed it on the window ledge outside my front door. :)

M got laid off today. He'll be out of work for at least a month, but with everything so slow, it may be longer. He's a union carpenter foreman, but even with a union, it will be difficult to find work right now.

I have to tell you, I'm freaking out a little bit. Unemployment won't even bring in half of his salary and with it being the middle of the school year, it isn't as if I can go back to teaching right now.

Like I said, kinda freakin' out here. I take care of all the bills since every time he's been in charge, he just walks around loudly complaining about ONE MORE THING he has to do. (Ass.) Anyway, he really has no idea how tight everything is right now. I'm trying to stay calm since my breakdown certainly won't help anything, but it's difficult.

I hate the thought of living on our savings; I look at these kids and get really nervous about just how we're going to do it. I know it can be done--live simply, live cautiously, spend responsibly-- but I still worry.

I hope this ends quickly.

I had parent-teacher conferences on Tuesday for E's first year of preschool.

Thankfully, she's doing well, advancing as she should, still working on things that most 3 year olds are working on, but overall, seems to be on target.

Miss Joan: Yes, Emma's doing really well. Her vocabulary is excellent. It is much more extensive that that of most 3 year olds. She really knows the words and meanings to many words most kids her age have never heard.

I nodded proudly but said nothing. I was thinking of last week when I was downstairs working on a scrapbook layout and through the baby monitor heard E say to M, "Where the fuck are my shoes?"

Oh, you're definitely right, Miss Joan. She certainly seems to have a more advanced vocabulary than most 3 year olds.